Listening to my gut

I’ve been working at my job for just over 3 years now.  I’ve wanted a particular role pretty much since I started there.  I’ve been working my butt off and taking any morsel of opportunity that comes my way in order to showcase my eagerness and my capabilities along the way.

The economic downturn hit my company just as it did many others and although I’ve been able to keep my job, I haven’t really moved forward very much either.  As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I’m taking a leave from work and going to an Ashram to further my yoga knowledge and deepen my practice.

It’s something I’ve been thinking about doing since beginning my teacher training, and the timing seemed perfect.  My course is finishing, it’s quiet at work and I’ve been accepted into the residential karma program at the Ashram.  I applied and was approved for my leave of absence.  I’m stoked about it.

Then last Friday, the director of my department calls me into his office because he has a proposition for me.  It’s a role in the department I’ve been wanting to work in this whole time.  I’m getting first right of refusal.  Only caveat?  You guessed it!  No leave.  Not even a short one.

My immediate thought?  FAAAACCKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!

I had the weekend to mull it over.

To be honest – there wasn’t too much mulling required.  Really none at all if I just instantly went with my gut and didn’t kill hours pondering both sides.  But mull I did.  As much as I knew I still wanted to take my leave, I kept thinking about the ‘safe’ route.  The known.  The job security, the training I’d receive, the opportunities it could lead to.  None of it excited me, though.

Shawn, one of my favourite people and best friends, didn’t miss a beat.  I told him about it and he pretty much said “no – don’t do it – not for you – you’ll hate it-no.”  or something to that effect.

Ash said something that really stuck (and  I think I’ll employ in future conundrums such as this one).  “If you were reading a story about (yourself), and you got to the crossroads part of the story and you had to choose which storyline you wanted to continue following, do you turn to the page that continues storyline A? (in this case, the Ashram) or do you want to turn to the page that continues storyline B? (the job in this case).

I choose storyline A.

Going in to see the director yesterday, I knew I wasn’t going to give up my leave, but over the weekend I had come up with some ideas and suggestions on how I could potentially manage to do both!  He was having none of that, however.  It was A or B and I had to make a “big boy” (which he quickly corrected to “big girl”) decision (regardless of the pronoun, the phrase itself was highly patronizing).  His arrogance and unwillingness to even have a conversation about my ideas were really disappointing. So, disappointed or not, it made the ‘no thanks’ that much easier.

I walked out of that meeting feeling great about sticking to my gut.  There was a twinge of something that I felt not because I was second guessing my decision, but because I didn’t want to disappoint the boss.

I don’t know if/or what the repercussions of my declination of this offer may be, but what I do know is that I don’t regret it one bit.

The countdown is on.  35 days to go.

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